The seasons, well there are only 2 in the Philippines, are relatively predictable. And they are comfortable in their predictability. I can trust that in December, it will be cooler and in August, the rains will come. Abroad, it is beautiful to take pictures of leaves turning red, ready to fall and of trees in spring and summer, all green and lush. Why is it more difficult to trust the seasons of motherhood?
I recently took the time to go to Books for Less and it was a fantastic treasure trove for a bookworm like me and my little bookworms. We came home with about 5 books each - books that before going I had wished would be there like Big Bear Brown Bear and other Eric Carle books. I came home with much more - especially parenting and homeschooling books I've always wanted to buy but never really bought at Fully Booked. Imagine, we bought 15 books and I spent P4,000.00 only! Just one of the Eric Carle books would've cost around P500! Oops, it was a pretty big dent on our budget considering that the trip to Books for Less was a detour because I missed the opening hours of LBC. Perhaps the detour was an answered prayer because out of those books, I learned so much. And one of my biggest insights was on motherhood.
I'm a working mother in a family business. That basically means nobody dictates when I go to the office or how long I stay there. It also means the desire to work and see the business flourish comes from a much deeper desire to see what my husband and I started grow. I wish I had the luxury of working from home but my work takes me away from home. I wish I could homeschool. I have the whole kit and all the books but no energy and predictable schedule. My big fantasy is to be a stay at home mom. But things being what they are, I can't.
The book I was reading talked about various seasons in a woman's life- a season for mothering and a season for a career. It basically said (and this is a very abbreviated version of the book) that as women, we should be ready to put our career on hold for a little while when our children need as most. And then when they are bigger, we can transition into a season of career growth. It also said to trust that my husband will take care of our needs. Ouch, how I always found joy in the two of us building something together. Our daily drive together to and from the office is one of the highlights of my day.
There are so many opportunities in my line of work. I love working. I love being creative in the office and in many ways, I feel more in control. But so many times (hmm... like daily!), I am guilty that I left the children to the yayas. And I really wonder if all the family vacations, the ability to buy nice toys make up for all the other days when they didn't have me. Yet when I am home, I also think about the office. What am I missing? What should I be checking? Who should I be meeting? I think about how demanding I must seem to my staff yet "slack off" every now and then. It's crazy! Nobody pressures me to clock in the hours. It's my personal work ethic that gets to me.
Realizing these seasons of motherhood or a woman's life made me take stock of my life. I know I always say my order of priorities are God, family and work. Yet my schedule tells you otherwise. I'm at my mothering season now that my children are toddlers and preschoolers. Already I see some character traits which need forming in them. It's a no brainer to slow down. The crazy thing is, I don't know how!
So here's my big leap of faith. Today marks the day when I really will put my career on a simmer and trust that our business will still be healthy when I am ready to return to it full blast in a few years. It has all been lip service up until today. I have been praying really hard for the courage to believe that the Lord will pull through for me and my family. I have been working for more than 10 years now and I am scared of what slowing down will mean at work.
Maybe, it's the same way the trees trust the Lord that even if all their leaves shed, the season will come when they will be green again.
So, here's my journey. Hold me accountable, please.
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